Shit-house blues; pest infesting craft brewing scene

In this blog I've reviewed several quite miserable products, non-beers, and affiliated manufacturers which I call rather shitteries than breweries. Some of these very unfortunate cases exhibiting serious and disgraceful underestimation and disrespect of the consumer on the whole have occurred quite recently.

Fortunately, these shit-houses just can't live long and are doomed to go bust in a short time. Before doing so, however, they'll have time enough to smear the reputation of the good breweries and the trade on the whole, in particular, when it comes comes to the mass of potential consumers. Very unfortunate here is that the damage done remains long after the scoundrels are gone.

Refer also to: http://strasselberg.blogspot.fi/2017/03/good-beers-bad-beers-breweries.html
and: http://strasselberg.blogspot.fi/2017/02/jaatynytta-oksennusta-craftkaljaa-ja.html

Linden American Pale Ale

Semihazy beer, 4,7% ABV. Hops used are Magnum for bittering and Mosaic for aroma.

Unlike the two rubbishy non-beers below, this one is a textbook example of an excellent, well-crafted beer in general; staggeringly crisp and fruity ale, absolutely free from off-flavors.

Furthermore, to be concise, Linden APA is one of the best within its style I have run into, for a long time over here. The preservation of the beautiful Mosaic fragrance galore in the bottle is phenomenal. Aftertaste is florally hoppy with a plenty of long-lingering pleasant type of bitterness. Good recipe, good ingredients, culture & good craftsmanship come up with good beer, that's simply the way it is.

Elevating the ABV of this brew to the range of anything between 5,2-5,6% ABV would probably promote this one to the world-class of its style.

Honkavuoren 347 IPA by Panimo Honkavuori

Semiclear, 4,5% ABV, Oh, boy! 

When it comes to decent beer, either lager or ale, in general, the first and foremost requirement in universal concord, obviously is crispness, freshness. Furthermore, ales in particular, are usually more or less fruity due to higher amounts of fermentation aromas alone; aroma hopping is applied to impart the desired quality & quantity of hop-originated fragrance and fruitiness atop...

IPA is supposed to be fresh and amply fruity ale by fermentation alone, furthermore generously hopped, heftily and fragrantly aroma hopped in particular...

347 IPA has absolutely no fruitiness, no freshness, not a trace of hoppiness. Instead, we have got the same horrible stale cardboardy-oxidized stench as had the foregoing "Iloliemi" Pils. It begins to seem as if this were the house flavor of Honkavuori, no matter which beer or which style whatsoever. Futile rubbish & non-beer again, definitely catastrophic failure as an IPA!

The brewery spokesman says in the paper Helsingin Sanomat that their beers are made to be easy to drink. Again, I take the liberty to disagree; yuck!, certainly got the toilet treatment.

Iloliemi, Ilosaarirockin Luomupils by Panimo Honkavuori

Semiclear stuff, 4,5% ABV. Repulsively stale, cardboardy-worty-oxidized aroma. Where the hell is the crispness required of any lager, pale or dark, or even the slightest hop character, the quintessence of any beer daring to call itself a Pils(-ner)!?

The label proclaims this liquid to be strongly hopped, furthermore, to have been brewed by able hands! I, however, take the liberty to disagree, strongly, on both points.

I'm sad to say this, but "Iloliemi" lacks all the attributes of decent beer, either lager or ale on the whole, Pils(-ner) let alone as a style!!! The sole positive thing I'm able to find here is that this produce is, unlike many others turned out by the ongoing craft brewing boom in our backwoods, quite obviously free from microbial contamination!

Futile rubbish on the whole, a typical non-beer extruded upon us, consumers, in increasing amounts by the ongoing boom of craft shitteries. Certainly got the toilet treatment.

Summer is at hand, so is swindle! Amber Ale, Pirkan Parhaat [!!!] by Saimaan Juomatehdas

Muddy stuff, 4,7% ABV. Brewery declares on the can, as usual, a fine bunch of super-fragrant hops: Columbus, Cascade, Citra, Chinook, Mosaic. Upon opening, however, instead of the fragrant hoppiness one might expect, we get a glass of terrible, stale-cardboardy rubbish; damned swindle!

What is most amazing here, is the skill with which the brewery pigheadedly turns fine ingredients declared on the outer of the can into miserable & undrinkable crap inside, consistently from year to year, summer to summer, all over again!

If I were the CEO of the brewery in question, I certainly would have flushed myself down the same toilet together with the produce.

Honkavuoren Valo, Vehnäolut

Hazy, self-proclaimed Wheat Beer, 4,5% ABV. Aroma is clean but hopelessly impotent. Taste is disagreeably thick-syrupy. In the blogger's notion this stuff is a stuck fermentation rather than beer, i.e. closer to bottled wort. Hence elevating the degree of fermentation here could well come up with decent Wheat Beer...

What a day! One drinkable out of four; telltale score revealing the miserable level of culture and craftsmanship of the ongoing craft brewing boom in our northern backwoods.

Suomi Neito, Golden Ale

Yeasty-hazy, watery stuff, 4,7% ABV. Lacking absolutely all the attributes of decent beer; It would probably be absurd to cite any list here. Calling this futile rubbish Golden Ale, or furthermore beer, causes the blogger's blood pressure to rocket up to ionospheric levels. Certainly this liquid is fermented wort, surprisingly, free of microbial contamination [!], and, character; just one more non-beer, I'm sad to say so.

Kaski, Kylmäsavulager

Semiclear stuff, 4,6% ABV. Repugnantly moldy stench right upon pouring transforms into stale and dubiously phony smokiness. Terrible echo again from the chamber of craft beer horrors of the 1990's.

Can't figure out how and why this non-beer has been released in the first place. Could it be blatantly either the lack of culture, wit or judgement alone or furthermore some combination of those constituents of the pretty little thing we call craftsmanship...

Sonnisaari Pils, Dry Hopped

Semiclear beer, 4,7% ABV, hops used are Magnum and Hallertauer Mittelfrüh. Has immaculately clean and appetizingly fresh,teasingly thirst-arousing aroma exactly in the textbook manner any genuine Pilsner simply has got to bear; absolutely no more futile trash talk required.

Taste honestly and flawlessly fulfills the aforementioned expectations with long-lingering delicious bitterness. I, the blogger, as an inveterate Pilsner-fanatic, certainly wouldn't mind an increase of a few more EBUs; furthermore, elevating the ABV to the range anything between 5,2% & 5,5% would quite obviously promote this brew to the world class of its style, the most challenging and uncompromising one among all beers.

Definitely a telltale proof of high-level craftsmanship and overall command of the brewing process.

Spring is supposed to be on!

Strasselberg himself takes the liberty of wishing hilarious May the 1st to all hardworking beer makers & beer drinkers!

Schnaps ist Schnaps und Bier ist Bier!

Jawohl!

Perhon Rohkea by The Perho Culinary College

Semiclear, unfiltered beer, 4,7% ABV, having clean and briskly fruity aroma, the product of fermentation done by some British style ale yeast. This Amber Ale certainly isn't meant to be a hop bomb; obviously, primarily bittering hops have been used, which is most welcome choice and line these days of the overwhelming aftershaveishly fragrant prevalence of American and Pacific hops.

Perhon Rohkea is a full-bodied Amber Ale characterized by, aside from its gentle fruitiness of fermentation origin, chocolaty maltiness counterpoised by moderate hop bitterness suiting well to wide range of beer drinkers and food.

This beer has become a classic having been brewed at the same locality over 20 years now the recipe unchanged. The brewery is a waistcoat pocket-sized educational one with the lilliputian batch size of 120 liters housed by The Perho Culinary College, in Helsinki; the place where the most of the Finnish top chefs de cuisine originate from. All the beer turned out by own brewery is quite naturally consumed by the guests of the popular educational restaurant The Perho located at the premises.

Pietniemi Pale Ale by Rocking Bear Brewers; the chamber of craft beer horrors of the good old 1990's revisited, part two.

Hazy, unfiltered stuff, 4,5% ABV. Watery, nonexistent body with harsh polyphenolic, mouth-puckering astringency in mouthfeel. Furthermore, overcarbonated. Lack of body together with that terrible mouthfeel alone makes this undrinkable to me, the blogger.

Whereas the mouthfeel was marked by astringent polyphenols, the aroma is prevailed by volatile phenols, presumably from various sources! Overwhelming is the clove-like one (4VG) with some pepper. This may well originate from the brewing yeast strain used. In the background, there is an unmistakable farmyard-type phenol (4EP) signature which is most likely to originate from brettanomyces wild yeast contamination. Moreover, the bewildering complexity of the blend of phenolic off-flavors in this non-beer or shit-bomb makes me, the blogger, even to think of the most horrible possibility of the involvement of wort spoilage bacteria...

This self-proclaimed "Pale Ale" makes the blogger's blood pressure rocket to dangerous levels. Just another warning example of crap hastily turned out by the ongoing craft brewing boom. Certainly got the kitchen drain treatment immediately after verdict.

We ought never to forget that in brewing decent beer we need, more than anything else, three assets: culture, experience and wit. Those are the main ingredients of the thing we call craftsmanship...

Rokkarin Luu APA by Mallaskuun Panimo; the chamber of craft beer horrors of the good old 1990's revisited!

Cloudy unfiltered stuff, 4,5% ABV. Aroma is dubiously sulfury-phenolic with cooked vegetables galore (dimethyl sulfide, DMS); disgusting! Certainly there isn't a trace of the hops used (Centennial, Citra, Columbus) mid the thick mess of abhorrent off-flavors.

Taste confirms what the aroma promises, and fulfills the worst fears: vile mess of sulfury and phenolic off-flavors including burnt rubber and bakelite, dimethyl sulfide dominating...

I, the blogger, characterize this as a non-beer, a miserable failure, probably due to both microbial contamination (bacteria and wild yeasts) and brewing technical shortcomings. Calling this an American Pale Ale is a disgrace! Undrinkable crap, certainly went down the kitchen drain immediately after verdict.

A flop like this reminisces me, the blogger, about the notorious contaminated stench bombs from the beginning of the first Finnish craft brewing boom in 1990's; hopefully the ongoing one won't conjure up those old horrors in greater numbers...

In brewing decent beer we need, above all, three assets: culture, experience and wit. Those are the main ingredients of the thing called craftsmanship. Fortunately, the firs two can be developed.

Coyet Ale by Suomenlinnan Panimo

Semiclear beer, not a coyote, obviously unfiltered, 4,5% ABV, having appetizingly fresh, clean and fruity fermentation aromas produced by some reliable British workhorse of the yeast world accompanied by gentle, very English hoppiness.

Immaculate and balanced, full-bodied beer, hairsplittingly anything between Best Bitter and Pale Ale. A delightful example of a traditional and tasty beer style standing up in the chaos of savagely raging "beer trends" of today.

Another proof of Suomenlinna's excellent brewing process and fine craftsmanship; these guys seem to turn out outstanding everyday beers of consistent quality, and, without the hellish rush & fuss.

Seth Lager by Suomenlinnan Panimo

Clear beer, 4,7% ABV; no sputter of irrelevant data like EBU's, EBC's etc. to baffle an ordinary consumer. This beer contains apart from barley malt, wheat and rye, presumably in unmalted form.

Crisp and immaculately clean lager aroma, subtly on the malty side. Medium-to-full-bodied. Probably filtered but not at all too sharply to emasculate the body too much. Furthermore, pleasingly not excessively carbonated!

Taste is clean and pleasantly malty as the aroma forebodes. Rye is likely to impart that agreeable note maillard-like cereal sweetness and flavor as well. A pinch or two of bitterness could well be supplemented, although I, the blogger, don't see this beer as unbalanced at all.

Well done, absolutely no off-flavors at all in an example of the least forgiving beer style; a telltale mark of an excellent brewing process and high craftsmanship.

IPA, Iisalmi Pale Ale by Olvi

Unfiltered & unpasteurized, semiclear beer, 4,7% ABV, EBU 55, EBC 16, Plato 11,5%. Hops used are Mosaic, Galaxy, Comet and Saphir.

This may sound and certainly is repetition, but the first two words of this text blatantly are the keywords. Filtration emasculates body and mouthfeel. Pasteurization kills freshness and wipes out hop fragrance transforming it into a stench bomb.

The intercontinental selection of hops is a bold one these days when American hops extrude from our ears. Aroma is appetizingly fresh with fragrant hops, as one would expect. The intensity of hop fragrance here, however, is a bit lower than that formidable aftershavish one in all Stadin Scandinavian beers coming out from the same assembly line.

Balanced and jolly stuff with pleasant maltiness hovering in the background; can't help dreaming of making beers like this by way of triple decoction.

It begins to seem as if the industrial making of excellent everyday beer with fine hops were easy, after all.

Black IPA, the dark side of Iisalmi by Olvi

Unfiltered & unpasteurized, opaquely black beer, 4,7% ABV, EBU 59, EBC 100, Plato 11%. Hops used are Cascade, Target, Yellow Sub and TNT [!] The blogger is familiar only with the first two. Target may well be the bittering hop and the last two the hoax of today.

Pleasantly crisp and sweetish licorice-hoppy aroma with the hops clearly hovering in the background. High expectations are certainly aroused.

The first sip, however, immediately ruins all the beautiful expectations to the hilt. Meager, watery body with repugnantly burnt taste. This unbalanced and abhorrent stuff certainly went quickly down the kitchen drain. Hops do not save a beer like this, actually they work to the contrary. I had to brush my teeth thoroughly to rid myself of the bitter burnt black bottom!

It seems to me, the blogger, as if the recipe here lay in the belief - definitely a wrong one - that opaquely black beer is simply made by painting a pale beer black using exclusively-and-enough the blackest paint available, black malt.

In my, the blogger's, notion the malt base of any Porter or Black IPA ought to include a delicate combination of other darker side malts together with black malt or maybe roasted barley. This would also lead to a higher original extract than 11% Plato and thus to a lower degree of fermentation imparting the necessary body - now lacking - at the fixed 4,7% ABV.

American Cream Ale by Olvi

Unfiltered semiclear beer, 4,7% ABV, EBU 25, EBC 17, Plato 11%. Hops used: Monroe, Fantasy, Kazbek. Unpasteurized and nearly as perfumely fragrant hop bomb as the Stadin Scandinavian beers coming out from the same production line; the dry hopping rate obviously being considerably higher in Stadin Scandinavian beers.

The issue of major importance and interest here is, once again, the fashion by which Olvi succeeds in packing the fragrant aroma hops fresh and intact into canned beer. Certainly the core of the secret lies in not destroying the precious hop aromas by pasteurization and oxidization. The implementation of all that, however, remains unknown.

On the whole, enjoyable top fresh and fragrantly hoppy stuff. Again, the good proof of well done aroma hopping applies to this beer: belches an hour after are odorously hoppy... Whether the use of both lager and ale yeasts is just a prank or a practical necessity, is another question, however, beyond the sphere of this text.

Saimaa Pils by Saimaan Juomatehdas; and way out of Saimaa beer chamber of horrors

Whereas freshness on the whole is the quintessence of any beer, in Pils(-ner) it can definitely not be overemphasized with crisp hop character apart from light maltiness. This is because there actually isn't much else to manifest resulting from the light malt base and low levels of fermentation aromas produced by some neutral lager yeast at low fermentation temperature range.

Saimaa Pils, 4,5% ABV, actually is the antithesis of what was said about Pils(-ner) above: it has repulsively stale cardboard-oxidized aroma without a trace of hops. Undrinkable stuff to the hilt; got the kitchen drain treatment.

Having roamed in the Saimaa beer chamber of horrors for the time of nine beers now, let this be the final one for the time being. Unlike many other bloggers, I have payed every can myself. Only three beers out of nine have been drinkable. Furthermore, the undrinkable six were so vile that I, the blogger, can't understand why they are on the market at all, among all decent beers galore!!! In my, the blogger's, notion this certainly signals apart from poor craftsmanship, also severe underestimation of the consumer.